lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

   it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

   ..what makes Monday mornings so tolerable is my favourite mug filled with coffee and familiar faces filled with gossip..

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   ..this warm weather brings out the worst in people. Like B.O.,unkept feet and whale thongs . Shudder.

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   You're never more indignant in life than when you're shopping in a store that you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for an employee of that store.

   Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"

   If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

   ""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”