SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.

   Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.

   The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.

   Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   "When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.

   Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.