Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Complain that you are bored and I will ignore you like I am busy.

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   Even the devil shakes his head at people that put raisins in cookies.

   Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.

   "Sure, why not" - Nicolas Cage being offered any role for any movie

   If por n has taught me anything it’s that if you’re going to put anything in your mouth, you better spit on it first.

   Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?

   2 girls and 1 guy, 0 self respect

   My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.

   ME: “I’m totally over my ex” VODKA: “We’ll see about that”

   "Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   Haven't slept on my desk at work for the past two weeks, I can feel a promotion coming my way.

   How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

   When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.

   "When I'm done sh*tting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through the window" - Birds

   Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I'm like, "Nope. I'm good."

   Advice for the ladies: Skip the boob tattoo. That cute little tiger you get will someday turn into a giraffe.

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

   It’s like Lil Wayne gets a tattoo for every whack song he releases.