Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Be good, kids! There's no bacon in hell.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.

   This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.

   McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.

   When I said I'd give you multiples I was talking about my personalities.

   I'm doing 'Mexican Yoga' tonight. It's just sitting at the back of a regular yoga class with a bottle of tequila.

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

   Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.

   Nothing's driving me insane. Insane is in the passenger seat screaming for it's dear life.

   I wish every time someone did the Gangnam Style dance they instantly got struck by lightning.

   Just renewed my annual parking pass for the friendzone.

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   let's get married but instead of kids we have nachos!

   Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.

   It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.

   Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.

   You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

   I like to watch Chinese p orn at night and I put it very loud so that my neighbors think that apart from having sex I can speak Chinese too.

   For me the end of the world was when I had to start working for a living.