lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   Ex-president Bush blamed BP for the disaster off the coast of Louisiana. Later he recanted saying "He thought BP stood for Black President."

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   I bought a dog and named him Stay. Poor thing gets confused when I call him "Come here,Stay!" "Come here,Stay!"

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

   They say that licking the back of a frog cures depression. The only problem is that once you stop,the frog gets depressed again.

   Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving..

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.