StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good f*cking work.

   I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

   I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

   This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

   I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.