Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   Dear Taco Bell, Can you please include people drinking beer and getting high in your commercials. Sincerely, your core demographic.

   If only chubby chasers actually chased chubby people... Then we wouldn't have such a problem with obesity.

   Never kiss anyone who's constantly saying things taste like shi t.

   I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!

   Sometimes I think lonely and crazy go hand in hand.

   Romney spent $800m to not be president. I spent nothing for the same result. Who's the better business man now?

   My girl tells me i'm a flirt. I tell her i'm just trying to have sex with other women.

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.

   If we're side by side in bed and I can't keep my eyes off you, it means I'm really in love, or I'm gonna' slit your throat while you sleep.

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.