SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11 and after that we won't have another palindromic date for 11 whole days.

   Facebook, I would be more interested in your recommendations about who I should unfriend.

   In my family, we always celebrate 11/11/11 on the evening of 11/10/11. Like they did in the Bible.

   I can think of 14 tweets about cat buttholes but I don't want you to think I'm insane or anything.

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.

   Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue.

   Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.

   So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!

   We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.

   I'd like to thank the TSA for keeping Americans safe by taking that full-body scan naked photo of my Mom.

   Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.

   I like to get paid daily and laid daily. Does anyone know how I can combine the two?

   How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between "blazing inferno" & "toast"?!?

   Which is scarier, faceless kittens or faceless babies? And what's in ketamine?

   (don't)Touchdown(there), Penn State!!

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.