SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want.

   Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.

   I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

   Chris Brown is adding vocals from Aaliyah to his new song. Congratulations on making a plane crash the 2nd worst thing to happen to Aaliyah.

   Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.

   Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

   No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.

   I don't understand why I get strange looks from dudes at the gym when I ask'em to spot me. Not my fault I can't reach my back in the shower.

   I was going to start running today but then I decided to eat 6 tacos instead.

   "Herpes!"-What I see when your Facebook status says "Vegas, baby!"

   I don't get how holding the door for a stranger is polite but flushing the urinal for them isn't.

   James Gandolfini is dead of a heart attack and Dick Cheney is alive and well. So go ahead and remove "karma" from the dictionary.

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

   I imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.

   I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

   If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator?

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   Come on guys! I've had to deactivate facebook due to the pressure