Sean Funny Status Messages

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   I like to think of items outside the grocery store as the "Steal it. We don't give a crap anymore" section.

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   A fun thing to do to a friend that was drinking and driving is to put a sneaker on the windshield wiper the next morning.

   Im not saying you are a $lut but you were fired from the $perm bank for drinking on the job.......

   My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.

   What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...

   The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   The saddest bachelor parties are the ones where they didn't realize the girl goes in the cake AFTER it's baked.

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette