Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Coffee to me is what a wand is to Harry Potter.

   It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.

   Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.

   For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite

   My superpower is common decency.

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

   If you're single and you know it hug your cat!

   In group discussions, chicks with big boobs always seem to say the right things.

   I've had pizza boxes stay in my life longer than some women.

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   I'll have a little of whatever God was on when he invented seahorses please.

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.

   If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

   Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Unless their shoes are Crocs. Those as sholes can die in a fire.

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