Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.

   The real victims of the NBA lockout are tattoo parlors and rape defense attorney's.

   Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.

   You say you want to get away from your demons, yet you come running to me.

   I drink coffee every morning so that I don't bite your head off, so don't say I never do anything for you.

   I'm tired of the stereotypes people have about the Irish. As soon as I finish this beer I'm leaving the bar and kicking someone's ass.

   Your coffee was getting cold - Was the best excuse I could come up with after my boss caught me farting in his beverage.

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   If you're happy and you know it slap your face.

   I'm going to take a picture of my middle finger and have copies passed out at my funeral as a last Screw you.

   Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   I'm the Michael Jordan of all sports, because I haven't played any since like 2003.

   Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

   I'm saving myself for prison.

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   Accidentally ran over a guy and I stopped to call the ambulance but then I saw his ponytail. Now I'm treating myself with ice cream.

   People who never had suicidal thoughts probably never touched a wet bathroom door knob.