Funny Status Messages
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It's Hard for me to catch feelings, and Easy for me to lose them. 
just enjoying a nice hot bath with candles and a glass of wine and then the neighbors came home. I have never seen them so mad.
Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.
2012: get rich or die Mayan!
New Years Eve Drinking Game: Everytime someone says "See you next year!" take their beer puncn them and chug said beer.
My skull organ no work so good this day.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine
Luckily for me, my future cancer will go along quite nicely with my current personality.
Winter trees at sunset have the look of a lonely old man realizing there will be no visitors today.
Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.
I hate it when I take the time to peek in your window on a winter's night and you don't have the decency to look sexy. Its frickin' cold out here damn it!!
will not be available to post bail on the 31st, due to a previous engagement
I know my dream woman is out there.. and that her boring friend is the one into me..
As much as I get poked, you think I'd be FB pregant by now.
New Years Resolution eat & Drink Healthy..................Weed & Vodka = Greens &Potatoes
Feeling self conscious? Just watch me "walk" on stairs! My bad knees makes newborn giraffes look like ballerinas.
I heard an Old Guy exclaim, "This Country is going to H_LL in a Hand Basket !!!" I have to disagree !!! 1.) Can this Country Afford to Purchase a Hand Basket? 2.) If you go to the store they don't have them for sale.
Because you quit carrying stuff we would buy. Also See 2a & 2b. Examples: K-Mart & Sears 3.) Some of us cannot afford said basket.
Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.
Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look" 