SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.

   In my experience, passionately singing Phil Collins will clear a room.

   I think the smartest, most original thing a person can talk about is how early the Christmas decorations are up this year.

   I've applied for a job at the DMV so I can be the one who decides who can have a license and who will f***ing walk.

   Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.

   In my head the Burger King and the Dairy Queen are married. And they have children named Wendy and Ronald McDonald.

   Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right?

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.

   There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.

   Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true!

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   My favorite thing about senior citizens is their medicine cabinets.

   I'm about to get in the middle of some girl-on-girl action with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.