LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic volcano? The volcano's still blowing ash.

   Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.

   If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.

   You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!

   ..is making it look she has an IPad by drawing out the internet on her Etch-a-Sketch.

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

   What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.

   Ad on the internet : The Braile superstore - Thousands of Braile products, many of which you've never seen before.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.

   Life without chocolate is like a beach without water.

   What can a lawyer do that a duck can't? Stick it's bill up it's arse.

   What did the blonde get on the I.Q. test? Nail varnish.

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   not a PC and your commercials are getting on my nerves.