Funny Status Messages
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business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise.... 
Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk.
all I want for christmas is you... just kidding, get me diamonds.
Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in.
"Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”...."
I'm just tryin' to stay ahead of my shadow.
When somebody says you've changed, it's only because you stopped living your life their way.
Flash Mob. My Place....bring Wrapping paper!
How much stuff is hidden on a Mobile Phone is directly proportional to how quickly the owner snatches it back from you !
My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....
Tarzan and Jane are the ultimate swingers.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Barely 24 hours left to be nice, then its naughty naughties all over again
You say you belong to Jesus but half of your profile pics are X-rated.
She's not the sharpest marble in the crayon shed.
I am really loving the chill, no drama, non-psycho, emotionally stable chick that you're pretending to be.
The party dont start till I log in.
The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to
It won't be easier just to erase every comment with more than 20 dislikes and almost no likes?
♫♪♫....I'm beginning to think I'm blocked for Christmas...♫♪♫ 