Funny Status Messages

   Swallow my babies so I know your love is real.

   Mediocre people do mediocre things.

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.

   I spend so much time improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

   The best feeling in the world: When your teacher/lecturer announces that he won't be coming to school tomorrow.

   If your neighbor invites you to come inside, please don't take it too literally. That's how you end up with a baby or in jail.

   Somewhere, someone is looking for someone exactly like you.

   People who give up their dreams to support others', you are idiots.

   Life is like a pen!s. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

   Santa is an unfair a$shole, He gives the more expensive gifts to the wealthier kids!

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob

   "I didnt do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it is a f*cking genius!"

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.

   3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

   Server Maintenance is scheduled for December 16 @ 8:00pm EST. Stay tuned for a new layout! More

   HAVE YOU FOUND A REAL JOB YET?!!!!! no,i've been searching for a FAKE job that'll pay me FAKE money,to pay all my FAKE bills off,so when I retire,i can move to a FAKE retiree home in florida.

   I am such a thoughtful Lad! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up.

   The biggest trick life plays on us, is the inability to fully appreciate something until it's gone. Except for broccoli.

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.