SEAN Funny Status Messages

   My 2013 resolution is for everyone else to gain 50 pounds.

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Country music was much better back when they sang about murdering people all the time

   Saw a beautiful set of teeth in Walmart tonight. Unfortunately they weren't all in the same mouth.

   Pinterest lets people know things you like. For example… if you’re a man and you pin something, it lets people know you like men.

   Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

   Two things you should never do to a woman is lie to them and be completely honest with them.

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   Punxsutawney Phil did not see Manti Te'o's girlfriend either today.

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   Sometimes I like to walk into Whole Foods and yell "hey, that Subaru is being towed" just to see how fast it empties out the store...