Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes "dressing for the job you want" is referred to as "impersonating an officer".

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   If George Washington never told a lie...then how did he get elected?

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   With all the farm building and mafia hits, no wonder you don't have time to find a job.

   Don't think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned money. Think of it as a toilet seat for the Pentagon.

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure

   Friends are like computers : they enter into your life,saves you in their heart,formats your problems & never deletes you from their memory.

   If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration,i wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

   A braille porn magazine has been launched ths week - complete with explicit raised text and pictures. At least this is one time where looking at porn won't make you go blind.

   Why was the blonde angry when she got her driver's license? Because she couldn't believe she had an F in sex.

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   Remember, the next time Iceland says "pull my finger" ignore it

   Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!