Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   If she really loves her cat, then that's who's making the most important decisions in her life.

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.

   Women don't fart until they get married... that's when they get an a$$hole.

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   How is everyone holding up? It's been a crazy night! I have just beheaded 30 zombies. But why the hell are they all carrying candy?!?

   She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."

   What doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill someone else.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.