Funny Status Messages
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What did moths fly into before electricity? 
Sometimes you just have to take a moment to stop and smell the cocaine.
I bet some of the dumber wolves howl at the sun.
No one's home so I'm playing practical jokes on my dog and cat. Man, they are so gullible.
Top 100 lies:::#38 No baby, I've never faked it with you.
I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet Coke.
Holy Sh!t...Did Christina Aguilera get stung by a bee or something
not sure what is going on today but I think I released enough "natural gas" to supply my furnace for the winter...
I don't make typos...I make new words
Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving facebook emails after a weekend of drinking that says "you have been tagged in a photo"
Dear life, whats the fricking recipe for lemonade?
I hate it when I'm drinking a beverage and as I'm tipping the glass the ice cubes suddenly shift causing a mini tsunami that washes over my upper lip. I need one of those early warning buoys in my tea. Either that or a bib.
Hey status messages auto correct, stop tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.
Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar
I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.
If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.
Why can't Edward read Bella's thoughts? Because she doesn't have any.
TWILIGHT has pretty much forever ruined the names, Edward, Bella & Jacob.
Someone really screwed over that Adele Chick! Can you say stalker!
People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like. 