hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

   My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   Putting $10,000 worth of speakers into a $5000 car is a sure way of never climbing out of your social class

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her a...mediately!!!

   When asked which method of payment will be used, I always put "in collections".. that way they can just skip the middle man.

   If I ever get pulled over again, I am gonna sing the "Like a good neighbor State Farm is there" song and wave both hands at the police officer like I am doing a magic trick.

   Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle.

   Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

   No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   Ralph Macchio is 50. Pat Morita was 52 when the Karate Kid opened,,,,fact check next time!