SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

   Ugh. Sometimes I just can't help f***ing up. I don't need an angel on my shoulder I need an etiquette instructor with a cattle prod.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   All answers questioned here.

   I need a new, non-fatal to flamingos way to deal with stress.

   "I got 99 cookies cuz a b!tch ate one" ~ Cookie Monster

   If anyone needs to walk near the left side of my house it's cool because I went ahead and took care of that enormous spider web with my face.

   The truth shall set you free... if you have a spare $100,000 for legal fees.

   Great news! My Halloween book, "Fun-Sizing Your Way to Diabetes," is now available on the Kindle!

   Political debates are great if you wanna watch idiots talk to us like idiots, to convince us that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.

   Ladies it's only fair of me to inform you, in case you are diabetic, that I'm sweet. Also, if you have food allergies, I have nuts.

   I always wonder what things went horribly wrong in someone's life that led them to buy a hotdog at 7-11.

   Alabama has to use prisoners to pick crops since they scared the immigrants away. This explains the tear tattooed on my tomato.

   This lady was saying how her daughter is "super strong for a 2 year-old." Now I'm testing the kid and she can't lift sh!t.

   Change is inevitable. Unless you need it to feed the parking meter. Then it's nowhere to be found.

   I have been watching the Texas Rangers the entire postseason and not once has Walker got to play....

   I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

   Listen here, people trying to figure out a "healthy snack" to give to trick or treaters. You cut that s*** out *right* now.

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.