StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers

   My d*ck was in the Guinness Book of World Records but then the librarian told me to take it out

   Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?

   No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one

   If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever

   Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.

   If the lion wasn't a coward and the Scarecrow had a brain, they would have warned the Tinman that he was better off without a heart.

   I asked for a glass of cold water from my drunk af friend I found him with a cup in the microwave. I told him "I said cold water whys it in the microwave?" He replied "we didn't have any cold water, so I'm melting ice for you" l

   I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.