SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Let's leave Florida out of it next time. They've got enough on their plate, no need to burden them with national concerns.

   I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!

   Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.

   Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   The sign at this Burger King bathroom says employees must wash hands. I've been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. Nothing.

   The Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever, General Lee speaking

   My favorite Black Friday tradition is watching the day's Walmart tramplings on the evening news.

   Why isnt there any black friday deals at the liquir store....

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   When I see a guy standing alone in front of a movie theater, I just want to go up to him and say "She told me to tell you she's not coming."

   This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.

   "You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   what do you do with 365 used condoms, melt them down and call it a goodyear...

   Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

   I'm not sure if people stopped saying "yolo" or everyone that said "yolo" has died.

   3 things in this world scare me: 1. scorpions 2. jellyfish 3. streets named after civil rights leaders at night.

   You know there's an easy way to deal with cyber-bullies: Turn off the computer and go crush his hands with a meat mallet.