Huck Funny Status Messages

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me

   85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.

   Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip

   If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.

   How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?

   I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

   My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls

   Time doesn't exist. It's an exclusive construct derived from the primitive human mind. - I tell myself as I set my alarm for 5am

   Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

   I asked my dry cleaners if they accepted credit cards and they said yes and then I asked if by chance they accepted declined credit cards.

   If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   I got lost in your eyes...but I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it

   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my spleen on my pant leg. And my liver adds a certain flair to my belt.