huck Funny Status Messages

   I wonder if Brad Pitt gets sad on Christmas when one of his kids asks what's in the box

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.

   People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.

   4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.

   if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning

   What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   If you look closely at my 13.1 sticker, you can see a tiny asterisk leading to another sticker that says " *ft."

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.