Joser Funny Status Messages

   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving in traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin?" The driver says, "You buyin?"

   Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

   Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   These are my Hammer pants; you can't touch them.

   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   soo The Humane Society says donations can help homeless animals, but I find it's easier to just give a couple bucks to every stray cat I see...

   Dear BP, None of this would've happened if you had hired the best deep core drilling team -- Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, and the big black guy from Green Mile.