CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

   Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   My timeline hates your drama.

   You're either with me or a murder victim.

   Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

   Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.

   Morals don't come from religion. If you can't decide right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.

   God, grant me serenity to accept that most people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

   DIVORCE: From first date to court date; you never see it coming.

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   Girl you're so ugly that when construction workers see you they get back to work.

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   My girlfriend just walked in and called me g@y. If my nails weren't drying I swear to god…

   Women worry more about hiding their farts than their feelings.

   Making me doubt myself was your first mistake. Underestimating me will be your last.