tomcall Funny Status Messages

   Many advertisers are taking Tiger Woods' name out of their advertisements because the association is becoming too embarrassing. In a related story, New Jersey is thinking of removing their name from the Nets.

   Internet postings show that the Northwest Airlines terrorism suspect was depressed and lonely. Apparently the thought of arriving in Detroit just put him over the edge.

   Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.

   According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them "bullets."

   Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. His name is Gene Milman, the founder of Krispy Kreme.

   Lots of people know that when a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. What they don't know is every time a mousetrap goes off, an angel gets set on fire.

   A new device can turn thoughts into speech. Wait, don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.

   The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

   While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves. Cowel described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."

   Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico.

   A man in Washington D.C. was apprehended by the Secret Service for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, this is probably the last time Joe Biden ever takes Ambien.

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.

   Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's just like having a real girlfriend.

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   Televangelist Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French in the Haitian Revolution. Pat, please. You don't need a pact with the devil to bead the French.

   In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.

   NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.