thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   America’s policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall. I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

   Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling. It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.

   When I was young at bedtimes my mum always told me a story with a happy ending. One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose.

   Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

   A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.