david Funny Status Messages

   The first joint I hit I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first hit," said Grandpa. "Try another hit." And you know, he was right!

   The strangest of all bipolar disorders and birth defects is an inability to see things my way...

   My girlfriend just told me she was going to break up with me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. but in the end it doesn't even matter

   with out me awesome would just be awes

   From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it

   I'm going to try and say this te nicest way possible. wait I better hold my tounge when I say .... "FQ!"

   whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously has never sold weed

   I fractured my @ss today doing a cannonball into the bathtub today...

   Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked be a judge on the next season of the X Factor. Personally I think she made the right decision.

   I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!

   When I'm alone my right hand starts to freak out..Im Sexy And I No It!

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?....Not the first time length has been lied about!

   I think they should make Sarah Palin the new Pope. Cause she can see heaven from her back yard!

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!

   I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence...And silence is not a punishment, at times it was a gift...

   I make people guess the secret ingredients in my brownies.. hallucinating yet?

   Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..

   "Girls Gone Wild"....Just Sequestered President Obama..I Betcha!

   According to Nostradamus Prophecies, Politicians can resist a Nuclear Winter, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a direct Meteor Impact, the Jehovah's Witnesses & Mormons. But not a Sequester!

   Please help me! The invisible spider-monkeys are trying to sequester me!