bigedusw Funny Status Messages

   I openly admit to looking at your profile. Now, please stop with all the news feed spamming app invites.

   I honestly believe if there was a fan page or group in favor of dog poop mixed with rotten fish eggs being thrown at the elderly, people would join, if for no other reason but to click something.

   The only reason Rihanna repeats everything in her songs is so noone will notice if the record skips during a concert like Milli Vanilli.

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?

   If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

   Thinking about starting a new diet, it's called the "Sight Unseen Diet." If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

   After many attempts to drown my sorrows, I'm starting to fear they may have learned to swim.

   No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   Facebook message inbox:"Wwo! Is htat raelly you in htis ivdeo?".... Yeah, that link looks safe, it was obviously sent by one of my dear friends, let me click it and check it out, no way it's a spamming virus...... Idiots.

   If I ever were to become a scientist, I think my first area of research would be to try to prove my theory that there is a direct correlation between stuttering and 3rd trimester vibrator use.

   So, ladies..... when you don't feel like using the "Shakeweight," do you tell yourself you have a headache?

   Getting older sucks, I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks, but now its more like a bounced check.

   Given the choice between Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I would prefer Parkinsons. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.

   I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."

   Some people like to "cuddle," some prefer to "spoon," I rather "spork" ..... think about it, it will come to you.

   Little known fact of the day: The tooth-brush was invented in Eastern Kentucky. My guess is, if it was invented any where else, it would have be called a teeth-brush.

   Do you realize that in about 40-50 years, nursing homes will be filled with old ladies with tramp stamps over their butts? I don't want to even think about the piercings.

   It is always seems to be "Enter some random family member" week or another. Who the hell makes up this schedule and where is it posted? I'm starting to think this crap is just made up.

   Joke of the day: Two old women were sitting in church. One leans over to her friend and said, "My butt is asleep." Her friend replied, "I know, I've heard it snore three times already."