Nipper Funny Status Messages

   There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.

   For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.

   Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don't know how many pills to take.

   Back seat drivers are all the same..."Why we going into the woods?" "Let me out"

   My life's not always.. 'Fun and games' Sometimes it's too much whiskey annnd... Oops.. Wrong hole!

   The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.

   When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought --- "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."

   I wish everyone a happy new year, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   I just switched on Airplane mode on my phone. Fecking Russians launched missiles at it.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”