Me Funny Status Messages

   I disagree... It's going to be a Great Friday!

   seeing all these profile pics of old men in honor of Father's Day is giving me the creeps. My wall looks more like a list of sex offenders..

   Sometimes my LOL just means, Lack-Of-Laughter

   I am a member of NSS( National Sarcastic Society).Our motto:"Like we Need your approval"

   So you saw my new boyfriend and ask me what happened to my standards? Well duh .. I raised them!!!

   told my girlfriend .. "if you ever want to try anal sex, I'll be behind you all the way"!!

   What's the big deal about the Facebook changes? This is a free social media site you chose to use. Get over it or don't use it....seems simple to me

   Catholic." ... ... ... He says, "Yes, I'm single & Catholic!" The nun kisses the driver then asks why he is crying. I lied. I must confess I'm married & I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin & I'm going to a Halloween party!"

   I've finally figured out why they're called 'payslips'.... the 'pay' just 'slips' right through your fingers!!! :(

   im gassy while watching the news... imma go occupy the toilet

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!

   you're not fat, you are just easy to see

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   If ever you get sad, think of a T-Rex trying to masturbate

   Sign seen at Bank window: "We don't mind you talking on your cell phone as long as you don't mind us IGNORING YOU! Thank you so much!"

   Ryan Braun - way to beat the "guilty until proven innocent" rap!!

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.

   The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.