KAREN Funny Status Messages

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.

   There's no crying in Vodka

   I don't use turn signals when I drive because a lady never tells.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   2 year old: Mommy, what is a loser?? Me: Well sweetie, you know your dad? 2 year old: No. Me: There ya go.

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."

   I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.