Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   This salad bar sucks. I must've had like 10 shots of this “Italian Dressing” and I'm not the slightest bit drunk.

   This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

   The Allstate mayhem guy drunkenly stumbles into the Progressive headquarters, while screaming, “COME AT ME FLO!!”

   For Fathers Day I made breakfast in bed for my dad. It's extremely hard to cook food while in bed, and now his bed sheets are ruined.

   ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle. 

   I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

   Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

   I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car, is to just open the door..... And push her the f out.

   Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.