Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   I don't believe I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this without being on any medication.

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.

   I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".

   I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.

   I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.

   I wish all women online were in 3D. That's my apartment #. 3D

   If you really think about it, "F**k You" is a compliment.

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.