CHris Funny Status Messages

   I like to go to the store, ask for help, get real close to the employee and whisper "Where is your lice medicine" just for the reaction

   Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things!

   I think as many hours as I put in I should be able to put fantasy football team owner on my resume

   you know we're getting lazy as people when you see "ready in 5 minutes" and you roll your eyes

   id much rather have morning wood than morning sickness

   Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.

   ok its almost March....all the people that joined my gym in January for their new years resolution can stop now, I'm tired of waiting to use machines

   I live life on the edge, when I go grocery shopping I place all my eggs in the same basket! Thats just how I roll.

   It should be against the rules to post anything depressing on Facebook. Shout out to a deceased relative, ok. But no one cares if your goldfish is sick and you hate your life. I dont even care if my goldfish is sick.

   If cars really exploded as easily as they do in movie's, I wouldn't have made it hope from the delivery room.

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   Anyone wonder why Internet explorer 9 has commercials? When it comes with every computer anyway, and its free to download?

   I'm still not entirely sure what instagram is

   The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

   Next person that talks politics with me I'm kicking in the crotch. I don't care if they elect a pineapple into office. It's all one big game anyway.

   That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️