snotty Funny Status Messages

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   Please print out and redeem this post at your local retailer to receive one free: "What the FRIG is this?"

   My life coach just advised me to,,, "run out the clock"

   Hey,, You know Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   Don't get fooled by the free toilet paper app., My phone is ruined now

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..

   The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so no kid can escape.

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I'm actually a bass player.

   My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and actually, out popped a blanket.

   I have a feeling that this Philip Philips guy is going to be huge if he can just figure out a way to get one more Philip into his name

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   Anyone else with a Blackberry wanna play Draw Nothing?