jitney Funny Status Messages

   A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."

   "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   Im in the restroom using the urinals and someone walked next to me to catch a Pokemon!

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   Hillary: "Donald you need to release your taxes" Donald: "I emailed them to you!"

   DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.

   Hillary bumped into Trump on the way to the White House and she said "Pardon me"...He Replied, "You want another Pardon?"

   Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   Can someone tell me when Santa is coming? He forgot some of the stuff I asked for

   Another celebrity just died this year....RIP Ronda Rousa Boxing Career

   No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell

   Ya know, that damn commercial lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!