Baddie Funny Status Messages

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for lingerie is asking for a fitting room

   Alcohol is god's way of telling you you're pretty.

   I ate so much Chinese food this week I can feel my d ick getting smaller. Related: eating fried chicken all next week.

   Of course I do respect the dead. I don't respect anyone unless they are dead anyway.

   If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   I wish I had the confidence in real life that ugly people have on Facebook.

   Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   At some point in the day, Hugh Hefner has to think "God, shut up b itches!"

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   I bet I can stay drunk longer than you can complain about it.

   If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.