Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.

   The phrase "This sh*t is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   Just finished building Rome with Lego. Took me a day.

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar.

   Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   In hindsight, maybe two hours of being snowed in was too soon to eat my family.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

   Remember - with Valentine's Day only five days away, it's not too late to break up.

   I'm celebrating Egypt's freedom by eating the top of the food pyramid all day.

   Just moved the dog's bed to vacuum underneath and found a stack of pics of people's legs.

   "In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

   I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.

   "Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go." "No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet." -germs

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.