bego Funny Status Messages

   hey Google, why don't you sit next to me during my exam?

   Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night."

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   I feel like when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumbass over here?"

   I wonder what would happen if a witness is asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and they say no?

   I don't leave voicemails because I know they aren't listened to. Yet, if someone calls me and doesn't leave one, my first thought is that it wasn't important enough for me to call them back.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and tagging one another.

   Relationships don't need promises, terms, and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people; one who can trust and one who can understand.

   Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.

   Ronald McDonald has to retire because he is making kids fat? Really? So kids are driving themselves to McDonald's now?

   Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   Jail..the government's way of sending you to your room.

   The biggest difference between my wife and a bear is that sometimes, if I play dead, the bear will leave me alone.

   She: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? He: No. I think that's imagination.

   ‎"I faked all my LOLs." -A Facebook romance comes to a dramatic end.

   wish all my electronics came with as much memory as a girlfriend or wife.