SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   I believe an increase in the availability of jeans with elastic waist bands would boost America's morale immeasurably.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

   You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   In the absence of information, people make sh!t up. Worse, if they feel threatened, they make sh!t up that amplifies their worst fears.

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   Ever want to click on someones status and edit it for them?

   "Our instruments can make sounds!" --all sh!tty indie rock bands.

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.