KISSTOPHER Funny Status Messages

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   Even crappy coffee is better than no coffee at all.

   Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.

   You don't lose weight; you get rid of it, unless you intend on finding it again.

   No one man has done more to bring peace to mankind than the inventor of coffee.

   I don't see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.

   Why do they call it "the birds and the bees"? I can't imagine those two getting freaky with each other."

   ‎"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   Roses are red; foxes are clever. I love your butt; let me touch it forever.

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   Hey everyone storing up food and supplies 'In case of the 2012 apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that sh!t.

   The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.