Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

   Happy people don't take long showers.

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally

   BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.

   Difference between a cult and a religion: In a cult the guy at the top knows it's a scam; in a religion that guy's dead.

   It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep.

   Save it for someone who's sober and cares.

   Failing a suicide attempt makes you a failure at both life and death.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.

   A stranger accidentally touched my arm today and now I have to get drunk to forget about it.

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   Why are all the best stress relievers illegal? A little bit of murder would work wonders right now.

   I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.

   My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked.

   No we are not on different wavelengths. Don't blame physics when you're stupid.