Aaron Funny Status Messages

   One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

   It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer.

   I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   My doctor recently took me off all my medications. It turns out I'm really an 82 year old man named Morris from Staten Island.

   Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   I bet two thousand years ago, people were pretty psyched for 11

   It's hard to maintain good eye contact with a cute pedestrian once she slips beneath your wheel.

   Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.

   This bagel with "everything" is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.

   I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

   High on life and also a tiny bit of paint.

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.

   May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.

   She fell asleep and as usual, I cleaned my balls with a baby wipe for nothing.