life Funny Status Messages

   Truly having the 'heart of a child' will lead you to a toothless life of homelessness.

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.

   A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.

   Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.

   3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool.

   Just accidentally kicked myself in the balls trying to get comfortable on the couch in case you're looking for a life coach.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "geek magic."

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.

   Q: Is there intelligent life form on planet Earth? A: Only in a few areas.

   A lady down the street is hand-feeding a Yorkie in a baby stroller, if you want to meet the specific dog who has a better life than you do.

   Facebook's great for tedious daily updates from people who should have inched away from you in the natural continental drift of life by now.

   Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again.

   Wow, watching the People in the Commercial Rock Climb, Scuba Dive & Live Life to the Fullest ............... makes me Wish I had Genital Herpes too.

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.