aaron Funny Status Messages

   When I die, I want to be buried alive.

   Ok, slow down people. We're starting to evolve in the wrong direction.

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   I drank my 8 glasses of water today. Well... 90% water anyway, there may have been some barley, hops, and yeast mixed in there for taste

   Thank goodness my Internet is working again. I don't have all your mailing addresses.

   According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench.

   By definition, shouldn't the word "unique" have zero synonyms in a thesaurus?

   Dropping the fish I had for lunch off at the pond

   The Frog... "Time's fun when you're having flies."

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home.

   Here's a gross thought: what if you thought you were having diarrhea, but you looked down and saw the toilet filled with dead spiders?

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.

   My life coach just benched me.

   No, your *other* counterclockwise.

   Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I'm going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   yo mamma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.